Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.