the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
*serious situation*
My brain:
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?