“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
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Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
PARKOUR
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no