it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?