If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
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Cucumbers Anonymous
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.