[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.