Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
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Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
S M O L
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test