Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.