I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.