An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?