Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
584.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!