I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard