bout dat hot dog summer
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A flock of dads is called a grill.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I have no passwords left in me
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.