The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.