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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Never be a pizza!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.