Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
You Might Also Like
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
i’m still crying at this
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.