Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I am HOWLING at this
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.