*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself