90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
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the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
an airline just for babies.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine