I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
*mops up wine with cat*
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly