😂🤣😂🤣
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Challenge accepted.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.