My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you鈥檝e legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated鈥攁nyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Yes I鈥檓 full of microplastics but it鈥檚 actually been helpful. It鈥檚 given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I don鈥檛 know who鈥檚 having a worse day, the bird that鈥檚 repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what鈥檚 your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh鈥oja
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
馃悹
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children鈥檚 houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they鈥檝e left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it鈥檚 a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i鈥檓 an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.