The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
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I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.