The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’