DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
What flavor cupcake are these
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Your honor these allegations are