I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
groan^2
LOL!
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
channeling her this year
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a