If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I gave up going to work for lent.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Just had my nails done!
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.