Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.