I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
#Caturday
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
That’s no pocket rocket.