[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
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BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.