*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
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Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*