*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito