[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299