“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
sigh
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.