dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.