Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym