reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
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A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Bond. Trauma bond.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.