The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
But I really needed water water water
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
A little too much information.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
British people be like I’m Bri ish