Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
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Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.