I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
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Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
why isn’t he texting back
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
*gets down on one knee*
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????