Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
You Might Also Like
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I’m awake but I object,
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie