Ladies, why y’all do this?
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
How to draw a duck
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
called in thicc to work this morning
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register