Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you