You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
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[at the general store]
me: one general please
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Hey Fugeddaboutit
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?