My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Cats (2019)
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay