This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
You Might Also Like
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I feel attacked.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”