if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
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HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke