You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
You Might Also Like
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.