Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
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“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.