Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.